The WINE Sutra

IMAGINE if Ambrose Bierce had lived long enough to see THE WINE BUSINESS in its  Menckeneana Schimpflexikon,  Lieblingesque Wayward Pressman, Vollard’s Reflections of a Picture Dealer Form? Would his war-speak have been chosen differently?

“They will not do that again,” he thought; “the next time they will use a charge of grape.” – An Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge

An excerpt from Bierce’s hypothetical, posthumous ‘Mass-Printed Wine-Primer’ (Bestseller 3 Vintages in a Row):

“Old World vs. New World” – n. – a colloquial mannerism depicted in Chaplin Films and Wine Description Terminology; two worlds co-exist side by side: the one not knowing it is dying and will be dead within ten years, the other is not yet aware of its own existence and is seeking to express itself, not without borrowing the mannerisms and presitge of the world it wants to bury. See Films: Cruel, Cruel Wine-Love; Caught in a Cabernet; Mabel’s Strange Predicament Without A Corkscrew; The Face on the Vat Room Floor (… and let’s not forget Chaplin made cameo appearances in films actually titled The Nut and Souls for Sale.)

…and without further ado…

THE WINE SUTRA AWARDS

TOP TEN WINES of 2009:

1) 1988 Thierry Allemand Reynard – Cornas

Allemand, known in Cornas for his Chaillot (receiving a great feature by The Rare Wine Co. this year) and Reynard properties, is paid tribute by Bruce Neyers with his Cuvee d’Honneur Syrah. As a child, listening to stories of anonymity and wayward warnings (trying to determine if Homer was in fact a Babylonian named Tigranes, a man from Smyrna named Melesigenes, or as the Oracle depicted an Ithacan son, meanwhile forwarned of a life to be filled with ‘winged maidens, daughters of the Earth’ that dwell upon sirenum scopuli – and already captured by the sirens song long ago, at least I can still hear them singing…), I became enamored with the sea, sirens, ships and Syrah, and if the Greek poet himself or my parents told me that Thierry Allemand invented Syrah, I’d believe them…. Tasted at Thierry Allemand’s Estate.

2) 1992 Vieux Telegraphe Blanc – Chateauneuf-du-Pape

The wines of Vieux Telegraphe have been exhibited and beloved for years by the press and followers of Kermit Lynch Wine Merchants. While enjoying 1981 (my birth-year and Daniel Brunier’s first vintage) and 1989 Vieux Telegraphe Rouge for Dinner, the 1992 Vieux Telegraphe Blanc is simply the best White Rhone I have ever tasted (…and if anyone knows of subsequent estates or vintages that are showing as well or better I’d enjoy tasting and trying very, very soon as a frame of reference). Meanwhile, the Hotel Lutetia, where Bourdain’s hoodlum years beget a love of oysters in Kitchen Confidential, is still attempting to locate the signed 1981 magnum that Daniel Brunier and all of  my fellow travelers signed as a birthday tribute. I now know why Mircea Eliade has a collection entitled “No Souvenirs.” Tasted at Domaine Vieux Telegraphe.

3) 2001 Beaucastel Hommage a Jacques Perrin – Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

The O.G. of Brettanomyces lives on… and as I know more bottles of this wine exist at the wine store less than a mile from my home, I just might take up jogging. “A cornerstone of cellaring.” From the cellar of Blake Layne & Chuck’s Wine & Spirits.

4) 1946 Inglenook Cabernet Sauvignon – Napa Valley.

The most amazing example and testament to aged California Cabernet Sauvignon that I have tasted, and while I have little experience or reference to California wines with this age, I tasted the 1955 Inglenook Cabernet Sauvignon alongside this wine. Both wines were absolute treats, and many thanks to Shelby Hayes for being born in 1955, Tony Brown for jumping out to face the world in 1946, and Tom Black for the generosity and experience. To the testament of history, in 1946, John Daniel Jr. purchased the Napanook Vineyard in Yountville and added its grapes to his best wines; today it is home to Dominus Estate. (California should consider incorporating this particular wine/vintage and a bottle of Firestone Walker on their state flag). 63 years and rocking! 

5) 1966 Chateau Haut Brion – Graves.

The year of the fire at the Calvet warehouses on Sept. 7th. Another wine I am not likely to see and taste again, certainly not for some time, but a true pleasure in its passing. 1989 Haut Brion now remains targeted amongst my top five ‘Must-Try’ bottles. From the cellar of Tom Black.

6) 1993 Dom Perignon Oenotheque – Champagne.

The best Champagne I have tasted to date. This wine (accompanying a 1986 Alain Robert that in its day was a favorite, beautiful fresh fruits, a wine I have tasted several times, and has reached its height of glory but an old friend nonetheless), is in and of itself very youthful…. Bottles remain and I look forward to the future of this wine. Tasted 28th Birthday, from the personal cellar.

7) 1979 Domaine Tempier - Bandol.

A Wine, when tasted at Domaine Tempier, could not be more joyful and tempestuous than dining while seated between Ava Gardner and Lauren Bacall, frolicking as Preston Sturges hop-scotches in between vines on a pogo-stick. A gorgeous day in Provence, a circus-troupe of hats and and the scents of lavendar and accompanying components of garrigue play an integral part in the story. I am reminded how Tempier’s importer, Kermit Lynch, once wrote “A Wine Can Only Be Judged As It Relates to the Environment in Which It is Served.” Richard Olney’s estate-keeper Marc prepared lunch (one will do well to understand the life of Olney by the following words of Eliade: “An art that one gives up is not entirely lost. Its essence, its mystery, passes over into the art that one has resolved to cultivate by working on it undividedly”); Lulu Peyraud expressed monosyllables of that which exists outside of time, an ethereal love and joie de vivre; and Mourvedre vines told a story that woud silence all the orations of Cicero himself. Tasted at Domaine Tempier.

2002 Domaine Maume Mazis-Chambertin. 

There are two types of people in this world: Maumephiles and Maumephobes. Amaterasu emerging from the cave is not unlike tasting with Bertrand Maume. And while I have shamelessly displayed photos of 1980 vintages above, there resides in my heart the burning desire of wines that future generations should experience, an all-too-knowing sun that effaces the life yet lived, reminiscent of reading Rukeyser at City Lights Poetry Room. Tasted in France, and from my cellar a bottle made a guest-appearance at Turfway Park’s 50th Year Celebration in Northern Kentucky. (I am yet to be certain why the meta-smile has taken place of the number 8, and have accepted it as a sign of fate). 

9) 1992 Jean Louis Chave – Hermitage

Tasted at the Hotel d’Europa after returning from Domaine Vieux Telegraphe; late night wine orders are often not this rewarding, and a sensitization and early morning revitaliation of the palate would have better served this wine, but tasting Chave Hermitage is greatly appreciated, and many thanks to Jordan Actkinson, owner of Ambiente Wine Importing, for the generosity. 

10) 1989 Diochon Moulin-a-Vent – Beaujolais.

Really? A Beaujolais? At Michael Mina’s RN-74 amidst the Railsback clan, it made sense. And since this year has cultivated a new found love of Beaujolais  amongst producers such as Breton, Brun, Chermette, Chignard, Diochon, Dupeuble, Lapierre, Foillard, Nugues, Thevenet, Thivin… I felt rather obligated, but mostly obliged, to allow Beaujolais to enter the Top 10 list this year. I remember a friend once noting, “I’d include some of the great vintages I had of D’Yquem in my Top 10 this year, but then everyone would think I’m a sweet-tooth.” There is something to be said for credibility, and there is something to be said for truth. In Beaujolais, the Ayurvedic avoidance of study-pagal (the folk disease of ‘too-much-study’) is their true attenuation; pure, unadulterated FUN and OPEN HEARTS becomes the subsequent price of admission. 

Best Brewery Visit East Coast: Brooklyn Brewery, followed by dinner with Garrett Oliver and Bill Samuels Jr. at Char No.4 and a laundry list of memorable taps at Bar Great Harry and cocktails at the Clover Room. Special Thanks to Eric Ottaway and Garrett Oliver!

Best Brewery Visit West Coast: Anchor Steam, special thanks to Tom Littig and the crew at Anchor!

Best Brewery Event: Dark Lord Day, Three Floyds Brewery, 2nd consecutive attendance

Best Beer: Firestone Walker 12th Anniversary Edition

Best Restaurant Meal: Alto Restaurant, NYC

Best Wine of Show at Union des Grand Crus: 2006 Canon-la-Gaffeliere

Best Wine Bar: Au Sauvignon, Paris (.. it is not a sommelier’s list, but the atmosphere is irreplaceable, and one can imagine Olney’s typewriter clicking with one hand as his other waves a glass in the air until it is refilled)

Best Brew Stop(s): Toronado, San Francisco & Blind Tiger, NYC 

Best Hosted Wine Dinner with Collective Vintages & Special Guests: 1970 Palmer, 1982 Palmer, 1983 Palmer, 1989 Palmer, 2000 Palmer, 2006 Palmer, XIX Century Blend with Special Guests James Sichel of Maison Sichel and Tom Black of Tom Black Wine at L&N Wine Bar & Bistro

Best Wine of Kermit Lynch Wine Trip: 1988 Thierry Allemand Reynard

Best Cheese & Dessert: AOC Honeys & Cheeses at Christian Etienne

“Supplier Most Likely To Know, in the Spirit of A.J. Liebling, the Exact Price of a Glass of Tavel; To Have Chez Panisse Bake a Corkscrew Into a Cake to Escape From Wine-Jail; To Thorougly E-mail Electronic Offerings with a ‘Gonzo sense of Gusto’; …And to Help You Escape the Beaujolais, ALIVE”: Bruce Neyers

How are we to rate and classify the rest: 1981 Guigal La Mouline, 1982 Pertimali, 2001 Clos Ste Hune, 1989 Clos Ste Hune VT, 2000-2002 Coulee de Serrant, 1971 August Clape, 1978 Gachot Monot, 2002 Bertheau Bonnes Mares, 1995 ThivinCdB, 1998 Jasmin, 2007 Colin-Deleger Chassagne Montrachet Chenevottes, 1989 Jobard Meursault Genevrieres, 2007 Chevillon Vaucrains, 2007 Henri Boillot Puligny Montrachet Perrieres, 2006 F.X. Pichler M, and all the other great wines that were enjoyed this year? They are an inherernt joy.

 

6000 – 5000 B.C.E. – Archaeological Evidence Suggests Earliest Wine Production in Georgia and Iran. Cave Drawings Suggest Pregnant Cave-Women Should Not Operate Heavy Rocks or Drink During Continuation of Human Species – Meanwhile, Alphabet Is Being Invented.

3500 – 3100 B.C.E. – Earliest Chemical Evidence of Beer found Godin Tepe in Zagros Mountains West of Iran; Archaeologists Unearth Aluminum Cans and Concert Tickets.

2150 – 2000 B.C.E. - Epic of Gilgamesh in Sumerian Format Mentions Enkidu Drinking Beer. Enkidu, ‘Wild Man,’ Literature’s First Hop-Head.

1600 – 1100 B.C.E. – Mycenaean Greece Impregnates Mother Myth With Many Great Stories of Dionysus — Centuries Later All Stories Concerning Bacchus, Bacchantes, Mosaics, Broken Vases, Tigers, Nudism and Revelry All Proven True as a Red Convertible Bellies Out of a ‘Kegger’ in Louisville to Head Somewhere Around Barstow on the Edge of the Desert.

207 B.C.E. – Chrysippus is Said to Have Died from Laughter After Giving Wine to His Donkey and Seeing it Attempt to Eat Figs.

23 – 79 C.E. – Pliny the Elder, The Original O.G.; Greatness Precedes the Words “Steer to Where Pomponianus Is” and “Come Back A Man.”

1031 – 1035 C.E. – Shen Kuo’s Dream Pool Essays Mentions “Nine Guests” (jjuke) for Drinking Wine, Playing the Guqin Zither, Chess, Zen Buddhist Meditation, Ink, Alchemy, Chanting, Poetry and Conversation. History is Reminded of Marcus Varro’s Maxim 1,000 Years Earlier:

“The Guests at a Dinner Table Should be no Fewer than the Graces but should not Exceed the Muses, that is to say, no Fewer than Three and no More than Nine.”

1048 C.E. – Simultaneous Birth of Omar Khayyam and Persian Wine Poetry Solves Humankind’s Existential Problem of Loneliness:

“A Jug of Wine, A Loaf of Bread – / And Thou Beside Me Singing in the Wilderness”

1244 C.E. – Rumi Meets Shams al-Din of Tabriz, Justification Given to Alley Drunkards As They Are Given the Poetic Opportunity to Express Themselves in Street Rambles:

 “There are thousands of wines / that can take over our minds”

and

“Until the juice ferments a while in the cask, / It isn’t wine. If you wish your heart to be bright, / You must do a little work.”

1353 C.E. – Hafiz Lays it Down On Wax:

“Wine-worship is a noble task, O Hafiz; / Rise and advance firmly to your noble task.”

1516 C.E. – Barley and Hops Win First Legal Victory, Reinheitsgebot.

1919 C.E. – President Woodrow Wilson Vetoes the “Volstead Act.” Volstead Act Passes. Mad Props to Woodrow for at Least Trying…

 1930 C.E. – Ben Hecht and his Screenwriting Bandits Write the Legendary Words to Business in Scarface, “Do It First, Do It Yourself, and Keep on Doin’ It.” Afterwards Guino Rinaldo Asks if Someone Else Will Take Credit for His Glory, Steal His Ideas and Meanwhile Make More Money In the Process.

1933 C.E. – Volstead Act Determined “Unconstitutional.” Wiley Post First Person To Fly Solo Around World. Gandhi’s Three Week Hunger Strike. Great Depression is in Full Swing. Era Between Two World Wars.

Humankind Needs A Drink Like Never Before.

2008 C.E. – The WINE Sutra is Founded on the Principles of Integrity, Authenticity and Value.

2009 A.B.E.A (All Bottles Emptied Era) – Brad L. Nichols seeks employment to fund his habitual search of the Holy Grail. Bryant Distributing takes pity on Eternal Palate Traveler. As Always, Greatness Begins With a Group of People that Set Out to Have Fun and Change the World. Special Thanks to the Winemakers, Brewmasters, Master Distillers, Restaurants, Retailers, Suppliers and other Blessed Souls That Have Made It All Possible – And I Look Forward To Working With You Soon!

Send Comments via e-mail to: brad.lee.nichols@gmail.com 

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(Byron as Don Juan, with Haidee, Alexander Marie Colin, 1831)

The legendary Don Juan de Wine-Lover has been a lover of grape varieties and seducer of wine regions for years; his exploits are noted throughout literature and music by Apollinaire, Bataille, Baudelaire, Bergman, Bertati, Byron, Camus, Dumas, Hoffmann, Liszt, Moliere, Shaw (and even Buddy Holly and Joni Mitchell). Brad Nichols of The Wine Sutra (www.winesutra.com) had an opportunity last week to catch up with Don Juan de Wine-Lover for a never before seen, exclusive interview with the legend himself to tell us first-hand of his accounts, exploits and travels.

Brad (referred to during the rest of the interview as Don Octavio): Don, may I call you Don?

Don Juan de Wine-Lover: (pause, followed by a waving hand gesture in the form of stage appreciation and a supple Castillan accent)…I have been called many ‘names’ Don Octavio de Orvieto – names such as Companion de Campagnia, Admirer of Aglianico, Escort de Escoffier, Flame di Falanghina, Rogue avec Rhone, Saviour of Savignan, Wooer of the Wine-Thief… you may call me Don Juan de Wine-Lover if it pleases you. Thank you for inviting me to your villa, your bodega, your vineyard site.

Don Octavio de Orvieto: What would you say, Don Juan, if I told you this villa were not at all a vineyard site, but I am conducting an interview at a state-operated mental institution, and that you are being psychologically evaluated for a 10 day period?

Don Juan de Wine-Lover: Don Octavio de Otago… Why do you hide your true identity and not listen to the variety in your heart? This is indeed a villa, one of cool-climate and chalky soils where the most beautiful grapes of the world may flower and be harvested. Don Octavio de Oregon… Why do you insist on only 10 days when Flowering does not occur until 40 – 80 days after Budbreak? Don Octavio de Oakville… Have you never decanted Bandol for weeks, to let its subtle aromas fill the air until eucalyptus and mint surround garrigue, lavendar and violets? Don Octavio de Ogliastra… Have you never bathed in Savennieres with the calls of honey and inamorato? Don Octavio de Oltrepo Pavese… Do you not dare speak of Harvest in 110-140 days, in warm, passionate, hot climates, where the sweat of the vine rubs ever so gently about the vine’s canopy, its microclimate? I wonder Don Octavio de Oenology… Why you insist that you are a member of this Fantasy World, this world where you think you are Brad Nichols, Dr. Mickler, or any other delusional name-tags you have received upon entrance at your villa?

Don Octavio de Currently-Praised: (…first-blushing, then silently reminiscing through all the great wines, the reasons I had continued in this business for so long, the reasons that made wine worth drinking…until a nostalgic joy and tear overcame me…)  My Halbtrocken Heartbeat has led me to Psychological Sarcasm and the Motion of Mediocrity - Ionized Yeasts and Forest Monsters - but here, talking to You, Don Juan de Jumilla, my heart is alive as a Caller of Champagne, an Affectionate Anjou, as a true Lover of Loire.

(Don Juan de Joven’s Youthfull Heart Leans Forward)

Don Juan de Jurancon: For years, after I escaped capture by the sea-faring pirates aboard the Corporation of Cabernet Sauvignon, I was called the Bastard de Bastardo, l’Enfant Terrible de Ermitage, le Devil de Deuxieme Cru… but the names no longer mattered. I had lost my one true love, my Angel of Agiorgitiko, Muchacha de Macabeo, Nebbiolo di Noche. Like your glass of sherry in your hand Don Octavio de Oloroso, my heart had become fortified.

Don Octavio de Oloroso (…laughing as a new term-of-endearment enters the conversation…): Tell me, Don Juan de Jacquere, are you Mexican, Spanish,  Italian or French? Your names are mythological and wine-related while your translations and words are juxtaposed and cross-lingual.

Don Juan de Jeroboam: Don Octavio de Oeil de Perdrix, you believe yourself to be the victim of an old criminal code. You believe in the Appellation d’Origine Controlee, the Denomincao de Origem Controlada, the Denominacion de Origen Calificada, the Denominacion di Origine Controllata…

You do not look at the way a wine glass filled with Chenin sings the sitar’s strings, how brushing against the spice of Gewurztraminer quivers the lips, how Riesling coaxes a palate the way a lover’s legs glide across satin sheets. Have you never felt the greatest and most intense pleasure of your life when a Merlot caresses the mouth the way a lover’s fingers touch your skin? Do you not know multiple vintages the way a lover embraces you with their being, and opens their heart to the universe, decanted for your tasting and taking? I assure You, Dr. Nichols, Dr. Gonzo, Journalist and Psychologist Extrordinaire, No One Can Know Anything of Wine if they have not traveled the world; if they have not made love on the cliffs of Cassis, frolicking amongst Clairette,  Marsanne and beautiful gardens as nature pollinates her course to a glass of Rose; if you have not made love in a Burgundian wine-cellar so cold that only the fire, the flame, the tremor and beating  passion of convulsions, palipations and pulsations can warm the glass of Pinot Noir in your hand to where fruits may be tasted; if you have not scented a glass with your lover’s perfume so that you may mask the scents of a large group of  eukaryotic organisms pertaining to molds.

Don Octavio di Old World.: Are we still talking about Wine, Don Juan?

Don Juan de Jerez: The bottle is empty. I must leave you Now, Don Octavio de Flores, may your bottle be forever filled and your glass never empty; may you make love to and taste many beautiful vintages.

Don Juan de Jaen is Professor Emeritus of Wine-Love at MIT University and will be releasing his own vineyard project in conjunction with yeasts extracted from a bottle found at Domaine Jasmin in Cote-Rotie, Cuvee Orgasma, later this Fall. He does not designate a preferred nomenclature, but smiles most affectionately when referred to as Don-Juan de Wine-Lover, a Lover of Wine.

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                                                  August 24, 2009

(TEHCHING HSIEH PERFORMANCE: CAGE-PIECE)

STATEMENT

I, Brad Lee Nichols, Tehching Hsieh’s Ghost, plan to do a one year performance piece, to begin on August 24, 2009.

I shall seal myself in a wine cellar, in solitary confinement inside a wine cellar measuring “24 f” “17 f 7-1/2 I” (the measurement of Thomas Jefferson’s legendary wine cellar at Monticello).

I shall NOT converse, read, write, listen to the radio or watch television concerning the topic of WINE, until I unseal myself on August 24, 2010.

I shall NOT mention, write nor contemplate the words Varietal or Vintage.

I shall NOT bore those around me with conversations about aromas or fruits; NOR will I make them watch in awkward silence while I make a grocery list for the better part of two minutes.

I shall NOT question a human’s usage of trees or steel.

I shall NOT be made aware of Case Production or Quantity Discounts.

I shall NOT translate Currencies for Distributors or Wine Labels for Consumers.

I will NOT use a decanter or a flashlight.

I will NOT sip, sniff, swirl, or spit; (I will NOT use unoriginal catch-phrases when I am unsealed either…)

I will NOT wave my arms in outrageous motions to signal deities or satyrs for help.

I will NOT attend trade tastings and stare at laminated maps.

I NOT talk WINE, NOT drink WINE, NOT smell WINE, NOT read WINE, NOT go to WINE tasting for ONE YEAR.

My account book entries will NOT reflect purchases of $412.84 or $98.20 and will NOT use the words Madeira, Mazis-Chambertin, Hermitage, Champagne, Heaven or Pirate.  

My friend, Cheng Wei Kuong, will facilitate this piece by taking charge of my wine glasses, corkscrews and refuse.

Gaufridy, Attorney At Law
To Whom It May Concern:

I Hereby Certify: That on the 24th day of August, 2009, I did personally observe Mr. BRAD NICHOLS enter a wine-cellar measuring “24 f” “17 f 7-1/2 I” (the measurement of Thomas Jefferson’s legendary cellar at Monticello) in the underground premises in the city of Louisville in the County of Jefferson in the State of Kentucky; that I then and there did observe the wine-cellar door to said cell locked upon Mr. BRAD NICHOLS entry and each and every joint of said wine-cellar sealed with a corkscrew and wine glass and wine journal inscribed by me that day;

That on the 24th day of August, 2009, I did personally observe Mr. BRAD NICHOLS within said wine-cellar and each and every corkscrew and wine glass and wine journal ascribed by me as aforesaid then and there still complete, unused, intact and unscented; and

That based upon observations aforesaid, I hereby certify that MR. BRAD NICHOLS remained within said locked wine-cellar continuously for a period of ONE YEAR from August 24, 2009, until the door thereof was opened for him and he did exit from said wine-cellar greeted by 2 national sales managers, 1 regional manager, 1 delivery driver, 167 outstanding invoices, 12 issues of wine spectator, 1 subscription renewal reminder to erobertparker.com, 1 consumer inquiring the percentage of grapefruit juice in an alcoholic mix and 7 wines that passed optimum maturity on August 24, 2010.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and seal this 24th day of August, 2010.

                                                                                          Gaufridy [L.S.]

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Arthur Miller’s Lastest Classic Is Based On True Accounts Of:

Grape Shortages, Excess Sales, Frozen Roads Crossing the Andes, Forest Fires, Droughts, Eutypa Dieback, Phylloxera, Rootborers, Leafrollers, Port-Strikes, Fuel Surcharges, Death Threats, Marketing Gimmicks, Fake Bottles Sold at Auction and The Working Man’s Prayer for Adequate Distribution.

“I’m gonna show you and everybody else that Willie Loman did not die in vain. Now let’s get the wine out of that oven you call ‘Storage’ and see if it’s still drinkable.” – Happy Loman, Cellar Master

“A salesman is got to dream, boy. It comes with the territoy. That and a salesman has got to have a sense of humor… else the Wine Industry will kill ‘em before one starts.” - Guru Arjan Dev, Sales Manager

“Baudelaire could make a wine bottle talk, fight, curse and make love in an infested Parisian alley all at the same time, but these were all images of Baudelaire indulging himself in himself, self-destructive patterns that could be avoided. Yet Miller’s ‘The Death of A Wine Salemsan’ is a true account of the Wine Industry, and on a given night, it could happen to any one of us.” – Raymond P. Scheindlin, author of  Wine, Women and Death: Medieval Hebrew Poems on the Good Life and Administrative & Compliance Coordinator

“What is this, Isolation?” – Bob Wiley, Harvest Intern

“Because from that time on, no one will know if I’m lying or telling the truth.”  - Gene Wilder, Tasting Room Specialist

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