ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE: WINE-JAIL PIECE

                                                  August 24, 2009

(TEHCHING HSIEH PERFORMANCE: CAGE-PIECE)

STATEMENT

I, Brad Lee Nichols, Tehching Hsieh’s Ghost, plan to do a one year performance piece, to begin on August 24, 2009.

I shall seal myself in a wine cellar, in solitary confinement inside a wine cellar measuring “24 f” “17 f 7-1/2 I” (the measurement of Thomas Jefferson’s legendary wine cellar at Monticello).

I shall NOT converse, read, write, listen to the radio or watch television concerning the topic of WINE, until I unseal myself on August 24, 2010.

I shall NOT mention, write nor contemplate the words Varietal or Vintage.

I shall NOT bore those around me with conversations about aromas or fruits; NOR will I make them watch in awkward silence while I make a grocery list for the better part of two minutes.

I shall NOT question a human’s usage of trees or steel.

I shall NOT be made aware of Case Production or Quantity Discounts.

I shall NOT translate Currencies for Distributors or Wine Labels for Consumers.

I will NOT use a decanter or a flashlight.

I will NOT sip, sniff, swirl, or spit; (I will NOT use unoriginal catch-phrases when I am unsealed either…)

I will NOT wave my arms in outrageous motions to signal deities or satyrs for help.

I will NOT attend trade tastings and stare at laminated maps.

I NOT talk WINE, NOT drink WINE, NOT smell WINE, NOT read WINE, NOT go to WINE tasting for ONE YEAR.

My account book entries will NOT reflect purchases of $412.84 or $98.20 and will NOT use the words Madeira, Mazis-Chambertin, Hermitage, Champagne, Heaven or Pirate.  

My friend, Cheng Wei Kuong, will facilitate this piece by taking charge of my wine glasses, corkscrews and refuse.

 

 

Gaufridy, Attorney At Law
To Whom It May Concern:

I Hereby Certify: That on the 24th day of August, 2009, I did personally observe Mr. BRAD NICHOLS enter a wine-cellar measuring “24 f” “17 f 7-1/2 I” (the measurement of Thomas Jefferson’s legendary cellar at Monticello) in the underground premises in the city of Louisville in the County of Jefferson in the State of Kentucky; that I then and there did observe the wine-cellar door to said cell locked upon Mr. BRAD NICHOLS entry and each and every joint of said wine-cellar sealed with a corkscrew and wine glass and wine journal inscribed by me that day;

That on the 24th day of August, 2009, I did personally observe Mr. BRAD NICHOLS within said wine-cellar and each and every corkscrew and wine glass and wine journal ascribed by me as aforesaid then and there still complete, unused, intact and unscented; and

That based upon observations aforesaid, I hereby certify that MR. BRAD NICHOLS remained within said locked wine-cellar continuously for a period of ONE YEAR from August 24, 2009, until the door thereof was opened for him and he did exit from said wine-cellar greeted by 2 national sales managers, 1 regional manager, 1 delivery driver, 167 outstanding invoices, 12 issues of wine spectator, 1 subscription renewal reminder to erobertparker.com, 1 consumer inquiring the percentage of grapefruit juice in an alcoholic mix and 7 wines that passed optimum maturity on August 24, 2010.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and seal this 24th day of August, 2010.

                                                                                          Gaufridy [L.S.]

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