DON JUAN de WINE-LOVER

(Byron as Don Juan, with Haidee, Alexander Marie Colin, 1831)

The legendary Don Juan de Wine-Lover has been a lover of grape varieties and seducer of wine regions for years; his exploits are noted throughout literature and music by Apollinaire, Bataille, Baudelaire, Bergman, Bertati, Byron, Camus, Dumas, Hoffmann, Liszt, Moliere, Shaw (and even Buddy Holly and Joni Mitchell). Brad Nichols of The Wine Sutra (www.winesutra.com) had an opportunity last week to catch up with Don Juan de Wine-Lover for a never before seen, exclusive interview with the legend himself to tell us first-hand of his accounts, exploits and travels.

Brad (referred to during the rest of the interview as Don Octavio): Don, may I call you Don?

Don Juan de Wine-Lover: (pause, followed by a waving hand gesture in the form of stage appreciation and a supple Castillan accent)…I have been called many ‘names’ Don Octavio de Orvieto – names such as Companion de Campagnia, Admirer of Aglianico, Escort de Escoffier, Flame di Falanghina, Rogue avec Rhone, Saviour of Savignan, Wooer of the Wine-Thief… you may call me Don Juan de Wine-Lover if it pleases you. Thank you for inviting me to your villa, your bodega, your vineyard site.

Don Octavio de Orvieto: What would you say, Don Juan, if I told you this villa were not at all a vineyard site, but I am conducting an interview at a state-operated mental institution, and that you are being psychologically evaluated for a 10 day period?

Don Juan de Wine-Lover: Don Octavio de Otago… Why do you hide your true identity and not listen to the variety in your heart? This is indeed a villa, one of cool-climate and chalky soils where the most beautiful grapes of the world may flower and be harvested. Don Octavio de Oregon… Why do you insist on only 10 days when Flowering does not occur until 40 – 80 days after Budbreak? Don Octavio de Oakville… Have you never decanted Bandol for weeks, to let its subtle aromas fill the air until eucalyptus and mint surround garrigue, lavendar and violets? Don Octavio de Ogliastra… Have you never bathed in Savennieres with the calls of honey and inamorato? Don Octavio de Oltrepo Pavese… Do you not dare speak of Harvest in 110-140 days, in warm, passionate, hot climates, where the sweat of the vine rubs ever so gently about the vine’s canopy, its microclimate? I wonder Don Octavio de Oenology… Why you insist that you are a member of this Fantasy World, this world where you think you are Brad Nichols, Dr. Mickler, or any other delusional name-tags you have received upon entrance at your villa?

Don Octavio de Currently-Praised: (…first-blushing, then silently reminiscing through all the great wines, the reasons I had continued in this business for so long, the reasons that made wine worth drinking…until a nostalgic joy and tear overcame me…)  My Halbtrocken Heartbeat has led me to Psychological Sarcasm and the Motion of Mediocrity - Ionized Yeasts and Forest Monsters - but here, talking to You, Don Juan de Jumilla, my heart is alive as a Caller of Champagne, an Affectionate Anjou, as a true Lover of Loire.

(Don Juan de Joven’s Youthfull Heart Leans Forward)

Don Juan de Jurancon: For years, after I escaped capture by the sea-faring pirates aboard the Corporation of Cabernet Sauvignon, I was called the Bastard de Bastardo, l’Enfant Terrible de Ermitage, le Devil de Deuxieme Cru… but the names no longer mattered. I had lost my one true love, my Angel of Agiorgitiko, Muchacha de Macabeo, Nebbiolo di Noche. Like your glass of sherry in your hand Don Octavio de Oloroso, my heart had become fortified.

Don Octavio de Oloroso (…laughing as a new term-of-endearment enters the conversation…): Tell me, Don Juan de Jacquere, are you Mexican, Spanish,  Italian or French? Your names are mythological and wine-related while your translations and words are juxtaposed and cross-lingual.

Don Juan de Jeroboam: Don Octavio de Oeil de Perdrix, you believe yourself to be the victim of an old criminal code. You believe in the Appellation d’Origine Controlee, the Denomincao de Origem Controlada, the Denominacion de Origen Calificada, the Denominacion di Origine Controllata…

You do not look at the way a wine glass filled with Chenin sings the sitar’s strings, how brushing against the spice of Gewurztraminer quivers the lips, how Riesling coaxes a palate the way a lover’s legs glide across satin sheets. Have you never felt the greatest and most intense pleasure of your life when a Merlot caresses the mouth the way a lover’s fingers touch your skin? Do you not know multiple vintages the way a lover embraces you with their being, and opens their heart to the universe, decanted for your tasting and taking? I assure You, Dr. Nichols, Dr. Gonzo, Journalist and Psychologist Extrordinaire, No One Can Know Anything of Wine if they have not traveled the world; if they have not made love on the cliffs of Cassis, frolicking amongst Clairette,  Marsanne and beautiful gardens as nature pollinates her course to a glass of Rose; if you have not made love in a Burgundian wine-cellar so cold that only the fire, the flame, the tremor and beating  passion of convulsions, palipations and pulsations can warm the glass of Pinot Noir in your hand to where fruits may be tasted; if you have not scented a glass with your lover’s perfume so that you may mask the scents of a large group of  eukaryotic organisms pertaining to molds.

Don Octavio di Old World.: Are we still talking about Wine, Don Juan?

Don Juan de Jerez: The bottle is empty. I must leave you Now, Don Octavio de Flores, may your bottle be forever filled and your glass never empty; may you make love to and taste many beautiful vintages.

Don Juan de Jaen is Professor Emeritus of Wine-Love at MIT University and will be releasing his own vineyard project in conjunction with yeasts extracted from a bottle found at Domaine Jasmin in Cote-Rotie, Cuvee Orgasma, later this Fall. He does not designate a preferred nomenclature, but smiles most affectionately when referred to as Don-Juan de Wine-Lover, a Lover of Wine.

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